


I loved you and I still do but you scare me you scare me so much

by Tofuflavouredfear



Series: You don't have to do everything by yourself [2]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Assisted Suicide, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Finnick Odair Lives, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Annie Cresta/Finnick Odair, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Isolation, Katniss Everdeen Needs a Hug, Katniss Everdeen and Annie Cresta, Katniss Everdeen and Finnick Odair, Katniss Everdeen/Madge Undersee - Freeform, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Character, Madge and Katniss aren't cute together in this I'm sorry, POV Katniss Everdeen, Possessive Behavior, Protective Finnick Odair, Sad, Suicide Attempt, annie mentally adopts katniss, biromantic character, finnick mentally adopts katniss, protective annie cresta, supportive Annie Cresta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:08:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29641389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tofuflavouredfear/pseuds/Tofuflavouredfear
Summary: (My titles are kind of long deal with it)This can be left as a stand alone but it's basically an au to my main au which I haven't actually finished so you don't have to read that one at all tbh.Madge and Katniss had dated but after she died Katniss saw Madge's ghost who slowly grew more toxic out of fear of Katniss leaving her and Katniss is completely in denial of this and pushes people around her away.
Relationships: Annie Cresta & Katniss Everdeen, Annie Cresta/Finnick Odair, Katniss Everdeen & Finnick Odair, Katniss Everdeen/Madge Undersee
Series: You don't have to do everything by yourself [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2177994
Kudos: 3





	I loved you and I still do but you scare me you scare me so much

It had all ended now but I had never really been there through it all. There was no more passion or fear to it besides wanting to die safely where she lay. 

It was over now and yet this was what was supposedly the hardest part. I knew the worry and concern people who cared for me had long seeped through into a horrible knowing of there was no real help to be given.

I danced with her now in my home her body was not as it was when she had gone though I could see in glimpses of the brutality which is the truth or what she now lay as. Her slumber had brought on a beautiful dream where we danced in this house forever, I loved the dream though I cried through it.

She never would leave me though I asked why she had not, each time she brought her delicate lips to my shaken hand and kept me living with those soft rainwater words.

I loved to dance with her though it was where she was no longer so delicate and frail to me because she held me tighter than I could ever hold her and she spun me, carried me and let me sink into her embrace as she was all I had.

I learned to despite the outside as that is where she could not follow. When others came she had to go, hide in the walls where they could not see her and so I grew a deep hatred that stirred viciously within me and it festered and it spread and it had long taken hold of me entirely. The hatred was not for her no never for her never, but for the cruelty that came from her leaving as people who's sympathy hadn't run out came to me.

I wished they never came but each time I refused to answer the door she began to cry and threatened not to come back if I didn't answer it and so I did. I never wanted her to leave but I dreaded the forever that had never really stuck yet.

* * *

Finnick stared at me with sad eyes. He and Annie had constantly visited me throughout my 'struggle' as they called it but they were the only struggle I could see from this.

My Madge was dead.

I knew this as did they.

But she was still here waiting, playing gentle songs on the piano, asking me to sing to her another song, playing with my hair, falling asleep holding me in our room, reading books with curious eyes, dancing in the small meadow that lay in our garden and making crowns out of the flowers that we gathered from there.

But that was only for us to know. Not anyone else.

So the rest of the world moved on convinced I was mourning the loss of my love alone and I almost was if not for her being with me through the life I'd have long given up on if not for her presence.

A hand grabbed my shoulder.

Oh Finnick. He had been saying something hadn't he? I'm not sure.

"Katniss please I'm- I'm really worried about you. Everyone is you look so-so" He scrambled for words and I just wanted for him to leave. I didn't want anyone in my life anymore she was all I had and all I wanted and if other people meant she had to leave then I would.

"Dead" Finnick looked horrified at a word that was so simple but so harsh, so intense. How could such a small word hold so much power? A person would crumble at those words, deteriorate and break.

I had once and I had long rotted even if I kept walking. I was simply not alive as I had once been.

"Katniss I'm-I'm so scared for you, Annie is too" he gripped onto my shoulders.

"Katniss you're rotting away in here and I'm so tired of sitting by and letting you kill yourself" was he crying now? I wasn't sure. I wasn't really aware of things anymore and honestly I didn't want to be. So I just stayed quiet and hoped he would leave soon.

"Katniss say something, please!" he begged.

I caught a glimpse of Madge in the garden. She never did that before, not when someone came over.

"I would like you to leave now" I said that so blankly I wasn't entirely sure it was my voice that spoke.

I barely processed what happened next.

I think I remember screaming, intense horrible screaming that sounded angry but more sad then anything else and out of instinct I wanted to run away or at least comfort whoever made it. I just wanted it to stop.

It did, eventually...

* * *

Annie had tried to visit me and I looked at Madge and begged her to not make me see her and all she did was frown and eventually she told me I didn't have to.

I smiled and thanked her and she smiled softly and kissed my forehead.

Annie tried knocking louder.

She still sent me letters I think. They piled up at my door and I found myself picking them up and shoving them into some cabinet quickly so they wouldn't know I never read them anymore whenever they decided to visit me.

"Katniss please it's me, it's Annie. Please just let me in" she seemed so distressed in her voice and I almost went to the door but I felt Madge's hand increase it's pressure around me and her whispers despite being gentle had drowned out Annie's cries.

She must have left eventually because I never did answer.

* * *

Madge had mentioned it before, growing old.

We both know she couldn't but I would. It was inevitable.

She never had liked me going out because what if I never came back? 

What if I left her?

The outside wasn't like our house.

Our house was special and she could stay here with me.

Madge looked so hesitant and I knew what she wanted to say.

This place was special. Our special place.

She took me to the garden and we made the flower crowns as I sung to her.

She took my hand and asked me if I could stay forever with her, would I?

I told her yes as long as I was with her we'd never be alone or unloved.

So she took me in her arms and pressed her lips to mine.

She pulled back and let her forehead rest against mine.

"If it meant never leaving?" she whispered to me.

I smiled our lips a breath a part "as long as it's with you"

She kissed me again and held me tenderly.

"I love you my little songbird" she stroked my hair carefully as though I would break a part if she were to be even the slightest bit rougher. She did this sometimes. Touched me so softly I felt as though I was a precious sculpture she had handcrafted with every bit of love she could and just holding me could leave imprints on my skin. I almost thought she wasn't the dead one sometimes. How could she be when she was so full of life?

Though recently she had acted as though she had wronged me in some deep horrid way. But she hadn't. She never had. All she had done was love me be with me and that was all I ever wanted.

So when Madge had explained what forever meant with words that should be horrifying and twisted but were so gentle and kind to me. I told her I meant it when I said forever and she promised she would be with me through it all and I told her that was all I could ever ask for. She was all I ever could want.

She kissed me but her lips were hesitant and they quivered and yet they lingered as though she dreaded me leaving more than I ever had hers.

That night we slept knowing that tomorrow would begin forever. 

Madge asked me if I wanted to leave something for the world to give them some sort of goodbye. I did not have a poets tongue or a preachers drive and so I only wrote one word on the paper I wad given by her.

'Madge'

* * *

She placed a white dress out for me and ran me a bath.

She kissed my hand gently and laid me in the bathtub. She took my hand and whispered pretty words and I knew what was about to happen.

Something shifted and I felt myself go to a different place within myself, tucked away from the rest of the world and I was happy in my own little palace within my mind. I picked flowers and wove them into crowns and bracelets for my Madge.

She would come soon. She made me promise to let her in so she could take it but in that moment I had forgotten so I wouldn't feel the guilt I wanted so badly to feel and I simply knew she would be coming to me soon.

I looked out of the window in the beautiful world that had protected me from the real one and I saw her coming, a solemn smile rising with the sun as she came to me.

But then I felt strange. Like I was being pulled up. Had everything always been so deep here that I could be pulled up from it? I hadn't realized until now but it was like I had sunk and only now was I being rescued.

Madge was running now and she was desperate. The ground around her seemed to wilt at her touch and she didn't even pay attention to it. She just kept running so she could get to what she wanted. So she could get to me.

Had she always looked so pale? Had her bones always poked out like that? Had skin always been so stretched and pulled over them that I wasn't sure if it was there at all?

Had she always been so destructive? I've never seen so much death at her hands before. 

I...I was scared of her.

I had never been so scared of her before. Why should I? I had no reason to. But she was- she was just so frightening in this moment as she ripped through the undergrowth that seemed to cling to her as it died with her touch. 

I looked at the path she had left behind and....it was all gone.

Had it always been like this? No this was this was something done purely by her and I was scared. I was so, so scared.

I should hate myself for it and a part of me did but I still ran and if that feeling had been stronger I would have anyway because that wasn't my Madge anymore.

No, my Madge was gone and I think she had been for a long time.

This wasn't her, not anymore at least.

I had to leave so I did.

I blocked off the doors and the windows and ran upstairs, locking and blocking off everything that I passed. She was- she was supposed to love me but this - this wasn't love! None of this was love! 

No this was something else entirely.

This was a horrific, terrifying thing that I had to get away from while I still could.

I heard her pounding on the door from downstairs her screaming to let me in.

I made it to the top floor and there was nowhere left to go.

As I looked around me at the world that had once been so beautiful and brilliant was just dead. All of it was just so intensely dead.

I shrieked.

It had been amazing once I'm sure.

But it was gone now. It was all gone.

She caught up to me eventually and she was terrifying. 

She grabbed hold of me and I screamed.

The flowers I wore had wilted.

The flowers she had given me that resided around my wrists were covered in thorns and they had sunk deep into me and they hurt, they really really hurt. They had been growing into me and I should have pulled them off long ago but now they had dug themselves into me and grew into my flesh. Pulling them out could easily be impossible.

I kicked her and screamed for her to get away from me as she dug her nails into me. 

She had long been falling a part and as she ripped into my flesh I knew she was tired of doing that by herself. She wanted someone else to feel it too. So she didn't have to be so alone with it.

This wasn't my Madge anymore. My Madge was better than that. 

I screamed at her as she screamed at me to stay. 

But I couldn't, not for another moment. 

I had to get away.

She had grabbed hold of the thorned bracelet that I once thought to be the most precious gift in the world and she tried to pull me closer with them. 

It sunk into her own as she grabbed them tightly and her thin hands became a bloody mess and her face expressed pain yet she still didn't let go of it.

I screamed and so did she and I decided that I had to try to get away from her. I had to try. Even if it was in vain I had to. I didn't want this like I used to. Even if it means more pain now, no more death.

I screamed in agony as I tried to pull the thorned plant from my flesh. It was so intense and it kept getting stuck but I had to get away from her. 

She tried to pull me closer but I just kept pulling even though it was all so much I just kept pulling and screaming through it because I had to try. 

I couldn't even see her anymore as my vision blurred but I could hear her weeping and her screaming but I screamed louder and I pushed myself harder and I just kept going.

I fell back and my foot caught onto something. Had the plant been that long? How did I not notice it before?

I fell and I was sure I was dead.


End file.
